10.) Buy ‘em a life insurance policy; wish for the best.
9.) Anything but clothes; kids were born naked for a reason.
8.) Poop is a good Play-Doh substitute; besides, what Play-Doh occasionally contains perfectly edible corn?
7.) A stationary bike; keep their fat-asses thin during the winter.
6.) A Roomba; it’s a toy robot…. stupid kid. (Actually it’s a vacuum)
5.) A year long subscription to Playboy… then immediately confiscate it; daddy like.
4.) A private session with a financial planner; the economy is rough kids.
3.) A refrigerator; if they don’t like the ‘fridge… at least they can play with the box
2.) An annual physical; gotta use those end of year flex dollars somehow…
1.) A dead puppy in a box; when they open it and are scared say “okay, we’ll get you a living one, but keep in mind when you don’t take care of it…. this happens.”

5.)  If you grow a wicked long hangnail you can maim someone with it.

4.) They make tasks that require precision much easier e.g. – using touchscreen phones, or picking your nose.

3.) You can get high of the shit you use to paint them. So what about the brain damage?

2.) All kinds of cool fungus lives underneath them.

1.)  Leaving their clippings around the house makes your significant other want to vomit.

6. Johnny Damon throws a baseball like a quadriplegic 7 year old girl whose had too much to drink.

5. Derek Jeter and A-Rod are getting married to each other on a mountaintop ceremony in which they will attempt to milk each other into a saucer.

4. They are the least profitable franchise in all of baseball.

3. Don Mattingly’s Sideburns are still out of control…. more so than my mothers rams ever were.

(Fwod – Rams: anytime my mom’s computer is broken, she thinks it has something to do with her rams (or Ram)

2. George Steinbrenner is going to die.

1. Joba Chamberlain’s real name isn’t Java the Hutt… also he could benefit from being a green blob of a creature.

1. Finally overcome my addiction to pterodactyl porn.
2. Only talk about poop twice a day.
3. Quit smoking (next year.)
4. Learn how to read.
5. Befriend a black man (I’m one of the good ones.)
6. Play more video games.
7. Don’t grow man tits.
8. Gain access to crack by sucking dick.
9. Have a small heart attack, just the tip… to see what it’s like
10. Make love to an inanimate object… (that picnic table is giving me the dogfuck look)

This weekend I hung out with the boys, which always involves a bunch of drunken bickering between AD and Mr Blueveins… and C-sack and I trying to ignore it while enjoying some video games… Anyway drunken Mr Blueveins always manages to accidentally have a couple turd covered gems fall out of his mouth. Here’s the one from this weekend:

Okay, so I had deleted my previous posts due to paranoia dealing with my occupation…fuck it. I’m reposting this one because these are genuine thoughts, deep from my soul that I would like to share with the world.

Top 5 Things I Think About During Sex:

5. Holding or pushing my head down is not going to make you or me enjoy the blowjob more…it will probably just make me puke up Taco Bell on your dick.

4. For someone so curious about anal sex, you sure didn’t seem to enjoy that finger up your ass.

3. Hurry up and cum already and get off me so I can finish myself off and actually enjoy a fraction of this 4 and a half minutes. I’ve got laundry to do and other dudes to fuck.

2. Looking deep into my eyes trying to make a meaningful “emotional connection” with me isn’t going to work…all it’s going to do is make me visually cut and paste Brad Pitt’s face ontop of yours.

1. God, I love just lying here.

1. Take farting to the next level, actually poop yourself.
2. Start Itching your genitals vigorously if anybody asks… tell ‘em about that hooker.
3. Just spend the entire day in there… drinking heavily.
4. Air guitar… ya friggin’ geek… encourage others to sing along while you rock out.
5. Read a book aloud, preferably the children’s book “Everybody Poops”

• Better to be safe than…………………………..Stupid.

• You can lead a horse to water but………..can you lead Jon’s Jewish ass away from money?

• Don’t bite the hand that……………………….just wiped an ass.

• No news is……………………………………………Jeff’s life.

• A miss is as good as a……………………………2/3rds of a Mr.

• You can’t teach an old dog new……………..ways to lick itself.

• An idle mind is………………………………………about to watch some porn.

• Where there’s smoke there’s…………………pot, ’round most of my friends.

• Happy the bride who…………………………….has had premarital sex.

• A penny saved is…………………………………..a penny wasted when you’re dead.

• Two’s company, three’s…………………………boiyiyiying.

• Don’t put off till tomorrow what…………….you could probably tap today.

• Children should be seen and not…………….Fucked.

• If at first you don’t succeed…………………….poop on it.

• Never underestimate the power of…………DracuLee — show me your teet(h)s.

• Better late than……………. having that awkard aborted fetus hangin around.

4. Someone using Clearisil to brush their teeth in the morning.

3. Thinking that the tag line for Heman was “I am Tired”

2. A girl I dated not knowing who fought in the American Civil War. (she was a brainiac I tell you!)

1. Another girl I dated telling me that “Counting is not math.” At the time this girl was student teaching…(mathematics)

*Disclaimer – the current girlfriend is the smartest yet. I’m a firm believer that her IQ is greater than that of a raped ape’s.