A fart in itself is kind of a dick move, especially if you make like a dog and pull the ol’ fart and run routine… But I managed to top this the other day, and thought the world should know.

I’ve been known to shove my hand in my fiancees fully clothed ass-crack to surprise/annoy her… and well, a couple days ago she thought  she’d return the favor… well I knew what was coming; after all, I taught her everything she knows about being a disgusting dick. Well, when her hand hit… I ripped one of those “is this a shit or fart” farts right on her hand… I almost died of laughter; the timing was wonderful… totally worth a night in the dog house.

Wow, I am the worst artist ever…. I spent like 2 hours trying to make an animation in Anime Studio… to no avail. Well.. I thought imagery would help. I’d like to thank my god awful MS paint skills.

Finally, a Fwod:

Arttard:  An arttard is someone who has developed normally, less their art skills… They stopped devoloping in 1st grade.

I am a total arttard.

Well, in case you’ve forgotten, I’m an assholiolio… and like to share ways you can be one too. Well, recently after introducing my fiancée as “The thing I hide my boner in” I thought it’d be fun to share some ways to make a great first impression.

5. Using a qualifier during an introduction is always good, especially when rude and unnecessary. e.g. – “Hi Gay Eric” or “This is my friend Big Tina”. this sentence implies a smaller or younger Tina is around, but as it turns out… you’ve just called her fat and have been a giant dick.

4. Immediately rip on something the person you’ve just met likes. For an example here lets go with something easy, like, say you just met someone at a party, you find out they’re the host, and you see a Nascar poster on the wall… now clearly this person has the IQ of a toad that has just eaten one million farts, but to make a lasting impression you’ll want to mention “The only time Nascar is cool is when a car explodes, and burns some redneck flesh.”

3. Make situations awkward by showing flesh… , take your shirt off, have your ass hanging out when they come out of the bathroom, or maybe even give a sneak peak of what your ballsack looks like. People will likely let out an awkward laugh… but no one actually likes seeing your BH when they walk into a room.

2. Anything that can be viewed as disgusting you will want to do. This is my personal favorite because the variety is so great. Picking your nose, digging out ear wax, letting some snot dangle or sniffing your poopy hand is a wonderful thing when meeting a new person. As a bonus, tasting any of these things will really make a lasting impression. Remember, offering others what your have tasted is only  polite.

1. Love thy neighbor. Making “unwanted” advances really goes a long way. Pepperoni twisters, tapping sacks, punching hot dogs, or rubbin’ the canned peach will really show that you’re interested in getting to know a newcomer.

So, on my way in to my apartment today, I noticed a bumper sticker on a car with handicapped tags that read:

Another installment of how to be a dick

What seems to be a lost art at FunnyBrew is making an appearance today. It’s the how to be a dick advice column. A couple things happened at work, that provoked some sincere assholish thoughts.

A quick “tip” on how to be a dick….

Talk shit about all religions with no remorse.

That being said, if you fear God but still fuck around a lot… I have found the answer for you……………………………Blankets! That dude can’t see you touching yourself unless your uncovered and your wiener is pointing towards the heavens.

FWOD:
Gryptonite – being able to stroke it under the covers cause god can’t see.

Messy afterbirth…. is underwear the equivalent if a dick blanket? Cause I jerk off in the car a lot.

Here’s some funny and great bad advice for the workplace!

The “Brenda has a poopy butt.”
Okay, this one is so easy a woman could do it. (It’s what’s called a joke ladies, go smash some more Oreos if you don’t like it.) There are only a few steps to being well on your way to getting your coworkers to want to put your head in a vice.
1. Pretend to be a likable person.
2. Get to know your coworkers, or pretend to and just get their family members names (significant others are typically best.
3. Every day, hell maybe even once an hour, bring up how their significant other has a “poopy butt” …………for example “Say, Peter, did you know Brenda has a poopy butt?”

Extra pointers:
- If you can call this coworker at home just to tell them “Brenda has a poopy butt” you may cut down on the amount of times you must say this during the work day.
- You’ve gotta do this in a joking matter as to not get you head exploded in a vice… pretend to be friends with this coworker… even if the sight of him/her makes you want drink bleach.
- Get creative, own the “poopy butt”… if you’re on vacation theres no telling how much this coworker would love a “your significant other has a poopy butt” postcard!

Fun fact:
I actually did this to some poor son of a bitch before…he was a really cool coworker and I was really just doing it for laughs… but it got to a point where the guy had to ask me to stop. I don’t really remember how long this went on afterwards…

By Jeffrey

As a few of you might have picked up from my last few articles , I am a dick.

Being a dick may not seem like something you would like to strive for in life , the reason for this is because you are too fucking stupid to be a dick.

Here are a few tricks that I’ve picked up whilst being a dick for the last 10 to 20 years.

1. Never Forget Anything.

Remember that time your friend fucked a fat chick? How about that time your cousin tried to cut off his own dick with a butter knife? No?? Well I sure the fuck do and will be sure to mention it at the most inopportune time that you can possibly imagine , during the awkward silence that inevitably happens after I tell your new girlfriend that you shit all over an elementary school playground slide on purpose when you were 16 , I will picture myself riding a horse over your grave and kicking its stomach until it shits all over your tombstone.

2. Subtle Insults. aka the “Does baby Jeff want to go home” step.

This one shouldn’t be used on anyone that you know who gives horrible beatings.

The first step to this one is finding out what annoys the victim.

The second step is nonchalantly employing this annoying behavior every five to ten minutes until everyone in the room wonders what the fuck the other person is getting so pissed about.

The third step is to play the victim and act like you have no clue whats going on while garnering sympathy from your fellow empathizing comrades.

The fourth step is jacking off vigorously while thinking about a recent earthquake that killed thousands in India.

3. Make people feel bad about fairly normal human things.
The Christians fucking rule at this one.

Anything that you pretty much know is normal but slightly odd human behavior can be bent and twisted to make insecure people feel like shit.Holy shit dude , you tried to suck your own dick before?? Fucking sick dude , you’re probably gay.What the hell? you let a chick mess with your butthole? Goddamn dude , you’re seriously fucking gay.Did you just say that chick had a cute face?? Really though , “cute face”? Jesus Christ are you fucking serious with this cute face shit?

These three steps should put you on the one-way train to Dicktown , once you get there you can spend months and years learning how to manipulate and shit all over people with almost no consequences!

God speed you miserable fuckers!

Bonus Anti-Dick advice:
Stop Fucking Caring.
No reaction is dick kryptonite , seriously.

The drive-thru titties.

-Don

Next time you go to, ooooh, lets say Arby’s and order some food start with the normal routine, most drive-thru stunts are pulled off over the radio, but this needs to be done face to face… So get your goods ordered up, get to the window, examine your subject (this will only work on a big guy)… while you qualify your subject for this trick ,pay for your food, and most importantly get your food. Now assuming that said subject is a big fat guy before thank you’s can be exchanged you need to keep eye contact and say politely “Hey man, I like your tits.” exchange pleasantrys and get out of dodge. What the hell were you thinking?

Do’s and Dont’s: