Another installment of how to be a dick

What seems to be a lost art at FunnyBrew is making an appearance today. It’s the how to be a dick advice column. A couple things happened at work, that provoked some sincere assholish thoughts.

Jeff’s dick stink sooo bad he shoved a mentos up his weinerhole

A quick “tip” on how to be a dick….

Talk shit about all religions with no remorse.

That being said, if you fear God but still fuck around a lot… I have found the answer for you……………………………Blankets! That dude can’t see you touching yourself unless your uncovered and your wiener is pointing towards the heavens.

FWOD:
Gryptonite – being able to stroke it under the covers cause god can’t see.

Messy afterbirth…. is underwear the equivalent if a dick blanket? Cause I jerk off in the car a lot.

The hair around the dick trick

Some banter from a Gmail conversation between myself and Jeff.
[23:29] don: how longs your hair now?
[23:29] Jeff: tunas dad used to call him honey all the time it creeps me the fuck out
[23:29] don: past your ass crack yet?
[23:29] don: that’s fucking bizzare
[23:30] Jeff: further than my neck now
[23:30] Jeff: from front
[23:31] don: sexy gay
[23:31] Jeff: can totallly touch my balls with my hair if i try
[23:31] don: haha, so you have tried?
[23:31] Jeff: i bet i could tie my hair around my dick with some effort
[23:31] Jeff: yeah just now
[23:32] don: boneriffic
[23:32] Jeff: not my naked balls or anything
[23:34] don: awww, sad

By Jeffrey

As a few of you might have picked up from my last few articles , I am a dick.

Being a dick may not seem like something you would like to strive for in life , the reason for this is because you are too fucking stupid to be a dick.

Here are a few tricks that I’ve picked up whilst being a dick for the last 10 to 20 years.

1. Never Forget Anything.

Remember that time your friend fucked a fat chick? How about that time your cousin tried to cut off his own dick with a butter knife? No?? Well I sure the fuck do and will be sure to mention it at the most inopportune time that you can possibly imagine , during the awkward silence that inevitably happens after I tell your new girlfriend that you shit all over an elementary school playground slide on purpose when you were 16 , I will picture myself riding a horse over your grave and kicking its stomach until it shits all over your tombstone.

2. Subtle Insults. aka the “Does baby Jeff want to go home” step.

This one shouldn’t be used on anyone that you know who gives horrible beatings.

The first step to this one is finding out what annoys the victim.

The second step is nonchalantly employing this annoying behavior every five to ten minutes until everyone in the room wonders what the fuck the other person is getting so pissed about.

The third step is to play the victim and act like you have no clue whats going on while garnering sympathy from your fellow empathizing comrades.

The fourth step is jacking off vigorously while thinking about a recent earthquake that killed thousands in India.

3. Make people feel bad about fairly normal human things.
The Christians fucking rule at this one.

Anything that you pretty much know is normal but slightly odd human behavior can be bent and twisted to make insecure people feel like shit.Holy shit dude , you tried to suck your own dick before?? Fucking sick dude , you’re probably gay.What the hell? you let a chick mess with your butthole? Goddamn dude , you’re seriously fucking gay.Did you just say that chick had a cute face?? Really though , “cute face”? Jesus Christ are you fucking serious with this cute face shit?

These three steps should put you on the one-way train to Dicktown , once you get there you can spend months and years learning how to manipulate and shit all over people with almost no consequences!

God speed you miserable fuckers!

Bonus Anti-Dick advice:
Stop Fucking Caring.
No reaction is dick kryptonite , seriously.

5.) Buy a bunch of roses and make a trail of rose petals into your fist.

4.) Have sex with a family member of your unwanted lover… If he or she has no family, have sex with a member of your own family. That should also do the trick.

3.) Use those wonderful three words: “I have AIDS.”

2.) Ask him or her to borrow about $1,000… tell them you want to buy them something nice for Valentines Day, but just don’t have the money right now.

1.) Make lots of poop jokes, if this doesn’t work start using your feces as a prop for the poop jokes.

The drive-thru titties.

-Don

Next time you go to, ooooh, lets say Arby’s and order some food start with the normal routine, most drive-thru stunts are pulled off over the radio, but this needs to be done face to face… So get your goods ordered up, get to the window, examine your subject (this will only work on a big guy)… while you qualify your subject for this trick ,pay for your food, and most importantly get your food. Now assuming that said subject is a big fat guy before thank you’s can be exchanged you need to keep eye contact and say politely “Hey man, I like your tits.” exchange pleasantrys and get out of dodge. What the hell were you thinking?

Do’s and Dont’s: