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How to be a Dick – Fart Games – Fwod

A fart in itself is kind of a dick move, especially if you make like a dog and pull the ol’ fart and run routine… But I managed to top this the other day, and thought the world should know.

I’ve been known to shove my hand in my fiancees fully clothed ass-crack to surprise/annoy her… and well, a couple days ago she thought  she’d return the favor… well I knew what was coming; after all, I taught her everything she knows about being a disgusting dick. Well, when her hand hit… I ripped one of those “is this a shit or fart” farts right on her hand… I almost died of laughter; the timing was wonderful… totally worth a night in the dog house.

Wow, I am the worst artist ever…. I spent like 2 hours trying to make an animation in Anime Studio… to no avail. Well.. I thought imagery would help. I’d like to thank my god awful MS paint skills.

Finally, a Fwod:

Arttard:  An arttard is someone who has developed normally, less their art skills… They stopped devoloping in 1st grade.

I am a total arttard.

How to be a Dick – Make a Lasting First Impression

Well, in case you’ve forgotten, I’m an assholiolio… and like to share ways you can be one too. Well, recently after introducing my fiancée as “The thing I hide my boner in” I thought it’d be fun to share some ways to make a great first impression.

5. Using a qualifier during an introduction is always good, especially when rude and unnecessary. e.g. – “Hi Gay Eric” or “This is my friend Big Tina”. this sentence implies a smaller or younger Tina is around, but as it turns out… you’ve just called her fat and have been a giant dick.

4. Immediately rip on something the person you’ve just met likes. For an example here lets go with something easy, like, say you just met someone at a party, you find out they’re the host, and you see a Nascar poster on the wall… now clearly this person has the IQ of a toad that has just eaten one million farts, but to make a lasting impression you’ll want to mention “The only time Nascar is cool is when a car explodes, and burns some redneck flesh.”

3. Make situations awkward by showing flesh… , take your shirt off, have your ass hanging out when they come out of the bathroom, or maybe even give a sneak peak of what your ballsack looks like. People will likely let out an awkward laugh… but no one actually likes seeing your BH when they walk into a room.

2. Anything that can be viewed as disgusting you will want to do. This is my personal favorite because the variety is so great. Picking your nose, digging out ear wax, letting some snot dangle or sniffing your poopy hand is a wonderful thing when meeting a new person. As a bonus, tasting any of these things will really make a lasting impression. Remember, offering others what your have tasted is only  polite.

1. Love thy neighbor. Making “unwanted” advances really goes a long way. Pepperoni twisters, tapping sacks, punching hot dogs, or rubbin’ the canned peach will really show that you’re interested in getting to know a newcomer.

A Good Jingle – A Richard in my Ear – How to be a Richard

The last two days of my life have been spent prancing around annoying others with commercial jingles that usually have some form of word alterations. 

For example:
Subway’s “Five, five, five dollar foot long.”
 
might become 
“please, please, please suck on my dingiddydong.”
———-or———-
Juicy Fruit’s “Juicy Fruit it get rights to ya… the taste, the taste, the taste, is gonna move ya” 
may evolve into 
“Juicy Poop, it slides right through ya,
 Juicy poop, it burns your BH,
 Juicy poop, the stench, the stench, the stench, is really nasty.”
Anyhow, I’ve always kinda felt that a commercial jingle is kinda like a pecker in the ear… the music (or pecker) has potential to be nice with the right parts around it, but it doesn’t belong here… anyway, turning these jingles into moronic songs is an all too big part of my life… and I think it’s a fun way to put your monkey in someone elses ear while avoiding lawsuits. 

Funny Brew – How to be a Dick – The First Bite of a Sandwich

Another installment of how to be a dick


It’s odd when a chick plays a dick… but it happened to me this week so it, of course, must be made public. I was being my normal, immature, annoying self while making a sandwich… when she questioned me “Why are you such an asshole today?” I replied “Well my dear, sometimes it’s just fun to be an asshole.”  At this point my sammich is fully edible, and I walk to the fridge to grab myself a pop (that’s a soda to you hicks) anyhow, this she-devil calls out to me “Hey” stares me right in the eye… and takes the scrumptious first bite out of my sammich… I didn’t even know the filthy whore could fit that much in her mouth… Anyhow, I guess what goes in must come out… job well done at being a dick, toots.