This maybe part of a new series of pissed off rants, so brace yourselves.

Why are there so many dumb-ass sayings in the English language?  I was thinking about this, and decided “How the tables have turned” is quite fricken retahded.  I mean seriously…  every table I can ever recall sitting at was pretty damn symmetrical, therefore, if you turn the tables your likely sitting in front of the same shit you were before  but, you’re likely a little more pissed off. Secondly, why are you turning multiple tables? WTF? Someone better chill the hell out with the damn spinning tables… all I need is one table; I mean I know I’m fat, but if John Goodman only needs one… what kinda fatso needs two?! Maybe if I had one triangular table, then I may want another just to make the damn thing a rectangular like shape, maybe a rhombus… you know, the whole four corners bit… that’s a desirable table.  Finally, with this whole table… I get that shit on this table maybe reversed IF there was any shit on the table, but stop making sense of things, asshole.

Fuck every table right now.

A fart in itself is kind of a dick move, especially if you make like a dog and pull the ol’ fart and run routine… But I managed to top this the other day, and thought the world should know.

I’ve been known to shove my hand in my fiancees fully clothed ass-crack to surprise/annoy her… and well, a couple days ago she thought  she’d return the favor… well I knew what was coming; after all, I taught her everything she knows about being a disgusting dick. Well, when her hand hit… I ripped one of those “is this a shit or fart” farts right on her hand… I almost died of laughter; the timing was wonderful… totally worth a night in the dog house.

Wow, I am the worst artist ever…. I spent like 2 hours trying to make an animation in Anime Studio… to no avail. Well.. I thought imagery would help. I’d like to thank my god awful MS paint skills.

Finally, a Fwod:

Arttard:  An arttard is someone who has developed normally, less their art skills… They stopped devoloping in 1st grade.

I am a total arttard.

This Video is probably best watched on mute, as the woman’s commentary makes this a little less enjoyable. I wish this video ended with the doggy ripping that stupid cat’s head off.

Bert Blyleven
Originally uploaded by Hire Jim Essian
Is it Bert’s love for farting that keeps him out of the Hall of Fame? Maybe it’s his knack for f’ing things up… Whatever it is, this dude should still be in the hall. I mean if you let Mantle in, you have to let in Bert.

Good Job Fella, suspended without pay, because your idea of funny is to point a gun at a teammate…. My Idea of funny is watching you go the way of Latrell Sprewell…

It’s really too bad this team is no longer the Bullets, as it becomes more fitting everyday.

Anyway Gilbert, the point is, you and your team… you both suck…

Are they lookin for “spinners” or “midgets?”

Todays fake word of the day is: Thoob – A Third Boob and Nipple

There is something about this that relaxes me… Weird… yeah… funny… yeah… but for some reason it has a calming effect… maybe it means the best is yet to come, or maybe it’s the solution to solving world hunger… or maybe, this broad is just hot, and has 3 boobs.

PS- no one cares if this is just photoshop magic, it’s still wonderful. Total Recall anyone?

Well, in case you’ve forgotten, I’m an assholiolio… and like to share ways you can be one too. Well, recently after introducing my fiancée as “The thing I hide my boner in” I thought it’d be fun to share some ways to make a great first impression.

5. Using a qualifier during an introduction is always good, especially when rude and unnecessary. e.g. – “Hi Gay Eric” or “This is my friend Big Tina”. this sentence implies a smaller or younger Tina is around, but as it turns out… you’ve just called her fat and have been a giant dick.

4. Immediately rip on something the person you’ve just met likes. For an example here lets go with something easy, like, say you just met someone at a party, you find out they’re the host, and you see a Nascar poster on the wall… now clearly this person has the IQ of a toad that has just eaten one million farts, but to make a lasting impression you’ll want to mention “The only time Nascar is cool is when a car explodes, and burns some redneck flesh.”

3. Make situations awkward by showing flesh… , take your shirt off, have your ass hanging out when they come out of the bathroom, or maybe even give a sneak peak of what your ballsack looks like. People will likely let out an awkward laugh… but no one actually likes seeing your BH when they walk into a room.

2. Anything that can be viewed as disgusting you will want to do. This is my personal favorite because the variety is so great. Picking your nose, digging out ear wax, letting some snot dangle or sniffing your poopy hand is a wonderful thing when meeting a new person. As a bonus, tasting any of these things will really make a lasting impression. Remember, offering others what your have tasted is only  polite.

1. Love thy neighbor. Making “unwanted” advances really goes a long way. Pepperoni twisters, tapping sacks, punching hot dogs, or rubbin’ the canned peach will really show that you’re interested in getting to know a newcomer.

 This is SNL spoofing one of my all time favorite scenes in a movie…

ABC:
 A – Always
 B – BE
C – Coddling

Typically this is where Brewer comes up about 3 feet shy of finishing… but here he actually completes it, and just embarrasses Derek Fisher.