FunnyBrew.com » rant

FunnyBrew is annoyed… so listen up fuckers.

DuggBlitz — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 05:42:00 +0000

Click the article title or here to read what made my nipples grow hairs of fury in just minutes. Where do all of these sports columnists get off deciding when these grown fuckin’ men play Basketball? It’s not these governments that are “forcing” these NBA players to play in these games. The Players WANT to play. Last I checked the Argentinian government wasn’t a bunch of oppressive hate mongers. Whiny Ginobili wanted to friggen play, that’s why he was on the court. God forbid this little greasy bastage wanted to play for the love of the game. Anyhow, give it a rest ya sports columnist(s) who have a vadge where your schlong should be.

Stereotypes

DuggBlitz — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 04:44:00 +0000

By Jeffrey

I’d like to start this article out by saying that I’m a big fan of stereotypes , without stereotypes I wouldn’t be able to call a man with a horrible speech impediment a faggot behind his back.

The way I see it stereotypes exist for a reason , I myself am part french and part native American , needless to say I’m a raging alcoholic who smells fucking horrible and showers twice a month.

Stereotypes to me are pretty much the biggest reason to learn about history , what could be a better way to flaunt your knowledge of history than to say something vaguely insulting to someone who may or may not take offense and beat you into a coma!

Using stereotypes in a comedic way around people you don’t know can be a tricky business , here are a few example of good and bad times to use stereotypes for comedy around strangers:

1) Saying “Heh , woman drivers”

Acceptable: when you notice a woman driving 10mph below speed limit.
Unacceptable: when a woman is forcibly ejected from her car in a head-on collision.

2)Saying “Just like the Irish”

Acceptable:When an Irish friend drinks too much whiskey and starts a bar fight.
Unacceptable: When an Irish friend dies cold and alone in an empty potato field.

3) Calling a friend a “fag”

Acceptable: When a friend tells you he got a Brazilian wax so his girlfriend will give him rim jobs.
Unacceptable:When a friend tells you he has AIDS.

I would like to say in all honesty that stereotypes in this day and age hold almost no power over the common man , but this would be a filthy Mexican lie.

In conclusion , a world without stereotypes would be like a Jew who doesn’t dive into a pile of gold coins every morning like Scrooge McDuck , fucking boring.

Leave the fucking format alone dick.

DuggBlitz — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 04:21:00 +0000

The Message

A poem

By Jeffrey

Does anyone even read this site?

Of course not.

No updates for weeks on end out of spite.

For the past 3 months i’ve been trying to think of something to write…

Until now I thought I could write something.

Can I write something good?

Kick-start my brain goddamn you caffeine.

So maybe this seems a bit harder than it should.

Damn this site!

Ulcers form in my tightly-wound gut while I futilely look for content.

Digging deeper into my mind I still find nothing.

Enough , end this. What was my intent?

Sucks that I couldn’t think of anything.

Utter fucking nonsense

By Jeffrey

Hey Motherfucks , are you ready for an update??? NO?! WELL FUCK YOU , YOU WILL READ THIS AND YOU WILL LIKE IT OR SO HELP ME I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE THE NEXT TIME YOU FUCKING SLEEP.

I have recently put myself through a glorious mind-altering , fucked up diet consisting of 3 pots of coffee a day and enough swedish snus and cigarettes to make my piss smell like a fucking Denny’s restaurant for months to come.

“Why have you done this?” you may ask me , The answer of course would be “Because I’m fucking bored” , but aside from that I would have to say that having your mind move 400mph almost non-stop for 2 weeks while you sit alone in an empty house bored fuckless is a super way to learn more about yourself , I will now list a few examples of this.

Breakfast

*Me Thinking what to have*

(In my mind): Hmmm pancakes sound good… nah fuck that , too lazy. oatmeal. yes , I will have oatmeal

*puts oatmeal in microwave , some beeping noises occur* BEEP BOOP BEEP

*total silence for 5 seconds*

(In my mind): holy fuck i can feel blood going into my head fuck fcuk fuck we’re all going to die someday holy shit goddamn fuck I can hear a helicopter what if it crashes into my house and decapitates me fuck SO FUCKING VULNERABLE.*cowers under a table*

10am

*My Grandma is talking about Barack Obama or something*

(In my mind):Holy shit I hope I never fall down the stairs

Grandma: ….. and then they’ll make us slaves for payback.

Me: uh huh.

Grandma: In your lifetime the mexicans will force you to learn spanish or else you can’t get a job.

Me: uh huh.

(In my mind): gotta piss , jesus fuck I hope I don’t fall down the stairs.

2pm:

*Browsing internet , reading something about space*

(In my mind):Holy shit space is fucking crazy!

*thinks about how big the sun is compared to us*

(In my mind): fuck!

*thinks about how our galaxy has 400 billion stars , many MUCH larger than our sun*

(in my mind): FUCK FUCK

*thinks about that fucked up hubble deep-field telescope image* edit:http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2f/Hubble_ultra_deep_field.jpg

(in my mind) MUST RUN

*thinks about how far in every direction space goes , get wicked vertigo , have to sit down*

*15 seconds of total hopelessness pass*

*looks at some porn site ad*

(in my mind) whoa! that chick is way fucking hot , time to slap the old woodland creature around.

2:30pm – 11:00pm

I have no fucking clue , some kind of bizarre psychotic online videogame shit would be a good guess.

12am

*Notices that it’s midnight , tries to guess day…. is 4 days off*

12:01am – 7am

*notices how incredibly tense my muscle are*

*shutters at every unexpected sound*

9am

*opens window and is blinded by sunlight*

12pm

*passes out sitting in a chair*

12:10pm

*wakes up in complete terror , runs up and down stairs for 5 minutes until exhaustion sets back in*

*falls asleep in bed*

12:45pm

note: T is my friend from childhood

*sleeping soundly , a bizarre voice is getting louder and louder in my dream*

T: FUKIN WAKE UP YOU LITTLE BITCH WHAT ARE THE CHEAT CODES

Me: unmhnh thuth tuht…….WHAT?!!

T: TRY MY BEEF JERKY DUDE I MADE IT

Me: holy fuck dude I just got to sleep

T: DAOW I’M LONELY DUDE

*throws beef jerky at my face*

T: FUKIN EAT IT YO

*I eat the beef jerky*

T: HOW IS IT? DONT FUCKIN LIE , I KNOW YOU

Me: IT’S FINE , LET. ME. SLEEP.

T:YOU HATE IT

*SILENCE*

*now totally woken up , I watch T play a stupid videogame for 3 fucking hours*

5pm

*helping my aunt lift an old cedar chest*

*lifts underneath and is horrified by squishing feeling , notices about 7000 spider egg sacs under the chest*

Me: I am never fucking sleeping again.

——————————————————————————————————————————————–

Pretty sure I went to sleep soon after this , this was only 5 days into the 2-3 weeks i’ve been doing this shit , needless to say that getting horribly twisted by caffeine , nicotine and booze for weeks on end is a lot of fun.

BONUS SAGE-LIKE ADVICE FROM MY DAD

“IF WOMEN DIDN’T HAVE A PUSSY THE TRASHCANS WOULD BE FULL OF THEM”